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New Contender: Kit
Name: Kit (Identity confirmed) We usually refrain from commenting on a cats name, after all a cat doesn’t pick its own name. In the case of Kit we hope he is named as a tribute to Knight Rider rather than a poor chocolate based pun. A cats identity should not be the basis of a pun. Agility – 7/10 Kit takes an active interest in building, he doesn’t build but he does supervise. He once helped a roofer build a conservatory. Imagine, you’re completely lost in a world of roofing tiles and a little cat comes trotting along the very apex of the roof to see how you are. Wouldn’t that be about the most gratifying point of your roofing career? Apparently Kit did this all the time and really annoyed the roofer, but the first time, that must have been brilliant. Health & Vitality – 4/10 There is absolutely no polite way of putting this. When Kit was born, it was difficult to tell what sex he was/is. Now we can understand that gender ambiguity in the first few days and weeks does happen, but six months? This clearly doesn’t mean that Kit is unhealthy, but you have to remember this is vitality as well. We think his coat is very shiny if that helps. Home invasion – 8/10 He will hop through anyone’s window. This is not a euphemism. This could actually be considered the very definition of reckless. Interestingly he really likes to have a look round in […]
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New Contender: Towser
Name: Towser (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Agility is the very bread and butter of being a cat and we think Towser has more than enough to make a sandwich, to pointlessly extend a metaphor. His owner has sadly undersold Towser’s ability at agility, but we can see lashings of potential. Towser is adept at running the length of a fence. There are few sights as satisfying in life as a cheeky cat running along the top of fence, his (or her) tail all over the place, will he (or she) fall? We hope not. Towser can also jump in and out of boxes. Many people would discount this sort of activity as some sort of modern cat fad, we don’t, we can’t think of many things that make us chuckle more than a cat leaping into a box (especially if it is too small). Health & Vitality – 6/10 We know he’s healthy, we can see he is quite shiny. These are all good things, but we also know he is prone to bringing his dinner back. This isn’t an act of selfless devotion to his owner. It’s unthinking greediness or an underlying bowel condition. We’re going to be coming down hard on this in the coming year. Home invasion – 2/10 There doesn’t seem to be anything to substantiate any latent invasion ability. He once threw up on a neightbours doorstep, whilst amusing this is a rubbish example of breaking in. Invasion is about stealth and subtelty, projecting […]
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New Contender: Hobbes
Name: Hobbes (Identity confirmed) Every now and then a cat comes along that touches the lives of everyone that it meets. A cat that makes you spontaneously clap your hands with glee. This is just such a cat. Agility – 9/10 We won’t beat about the bush here, look at the picture, he’s on the bloody roof. How did he get up there? We don’t know, people can’t get onto that roof, it’s like he has done the impossible. What we do know is that Hobbes just fancied a bit of a sleep, ON THE ROOF. This is just one example of how Hobbes rolls. You might be wondering why he only got nine points, well we did observe Hobbes fall off the top of a car once. This isn’t very cat like behaviour. Though we should add that it was a car he was trying to steal at the time. Health & Vitality – 7/10 We know nothing about his medical history and he always appears fairly healthy. He’s got a shiny coat and a glint in his eye which is surely a good sign. We know, for a fact, that any mischievous twinkle is surely yet another madcap caper hatching in this most extra ordinairy of cats. Home invasion – 15/10 Normal rules don’t apply. We’ve had to push the envelope and call on every cliche we can think of. Let me tell you a story about Hobbes, one day I woke up and found Hobbes sitting next […]
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New Contender: Doris
Name: Doris (Identity confirmed) What’s this? The third or even fourth cat this year? Yes indeed, this is what it’s like at the cutting edge of the world wide web. Agility – 3/10 We’re used to owners embellishing their cats agility but Doris makes a refreshing change. Apparently she can’t be arsed. Fair play to her, jumping over things is overrated. Unless, of course your judging a cat on agility then such abilities are very much rated. Health & Vitality – 10/10 Doris is polydactyl, we were very excited when we found this out, mainly because we thought it said pterodactyl, we did wonder why a prehistoric flying lizard had been submitted to a cat review site. Once we realised our mistake we were again very excited. Doris has got thumbs. This means she is the next stage of feline evolution and could, at a push, open her own tins of cat food. Apparently she does wheeze a bit but we’re ignoring this because she has thumbs. Home invasion – 6/10 Although she doesn’t have a great history of breaking into other houses she has lived in a fair few places. She once lived with Len but he got rid of her because she tripped him up. It doesn’t seem very tolerant but also fairly short sighted by Doris. She’s lived in Tidbury Green and Whitlocks End which sound like completely made up places. She also lived in Sid and Linda’s conservatory. We have absolutely no idea who any of these people […]
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New Contender: Arwen
Name: Arwen (Identity confirmed) You will probably remember that it took us over four months to review our last cat, Barry, well this one has taken even longer. Arwen was submitted in April of this year but we have delayed the review in order to avoid potential accusation of contempt of court due to Arwen’s ownership. As you can see we’ve mucked that up by actually doing the review at the single most inopportune time (press coverage reminded us it was still on the to do pile). So, help us navigate the choppy legal minefield of cat reviews. Agility – 2/10 We are familiar with embellishment but the claim that Arwen can leap to the top of a conservatory are beyond credulity. Obviously with the statutory limit of a lean-to conservatory being four meters you’re talking about a fairly tasty leap. We don’t believe Arwen can leap four meters. There is an equally outlandish claim that Arwen can sleep on a two inch wide fence. A two inch wide fence? What sort of building regulations are these people working to? Health & Vitality – 7/10 Arwen once had a litter of kittens, we like this. As far as we can remember this is the first time that we’ve ever reviewed a cat that has realised the full potential of motherhood. She had a litter at 6 months which is a little young (probably, we know very little about how cats work) but we make no judgements on this. She also […]
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New Contender: Barry
Name: Barry (Identity confirmed) Barry was first brought to our attention in July of this year. That means it has taken over four months for us to review him. Now you might think it has taken so long because the review has been lovingly crafted out of gold. If you did think that you would be mostly wrong. We have just been very lazy. Agility – 4/10 We are getting increasingly worried about the amount of cats that aren’t allowed outside. It isn’t natural to keep a cat inside and it makes it very difficult to get a sense of what they can or can’t do. We do know that Barry can leap on top of the fridge in one jump. Not very impressive really. We have a feeling that at a push we could do that as well. Though obviously that would be frowned on in a human. Having said that letting your cat climb on your fridge does raise similar questions. Though it is Barry we are here to judge. Health & Vitality – 4/10 Although Barry should be rewarded for getting as far as ten and a half years old we feel we must deduct points for only having two teeth. This is rubbish. If only we had a section for pretending to be a vampire. Home invasion Pretending to be a vampire- 10/10 As Barry isn’t allowed out, ever, we’ve given him full marks for pretending to be a vampire. Meow – 8/10 Barry has a […]
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New Contender: Spencer
Name: Spencer (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 We think it is fair to say that there is both good agility and bad agility. On the one hand lurking on the top of a door to drop on a stranger, much like Cato, is good agility. Jumping from a second story window is bad agility. Potentially amusing, but all the same bad. We’re happy to award points but are concerned that this could just be seen as condoning actions that will end in tears. Health & Vitality – 2/10 Listing Spencer’s previous ailments is a bit like an episode of ER, early ER before all those new people came into it. Our favourite incident is when he was taken to the vet after developing “kitten asthma”. Now there isn’t anything funny about a kitten with asthma, but apparently it made him whistle, a bit like Roger Whittaker, but possibly smaller and cuter. Unfortunately as a result of this he has an inhaler and doesn’t have to play football. We’ve already mentioned that he jumps out of windows, you can imagine how that worked out (nor very well). He has an eating disorder and as a result has had to have a catheter. We imagine it was the bravest vet in the world that made that diagnosis. We have awarded a few points because he has his teeth surgically cleaned, though we’re not clear what that really means. It’s probably quite expensive. Home invasion – 4/10 It’s not fair on Spencer, but […]
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New Contender: Jess
Name: Jess (Identity not confirmed) This is more like it. Proper out in the field cat investigating. It’s easy enough to sit in your lounge and tell us how much you like your cat but it takes a special breed of person to go out and find us new cats in their natural habitat. Agility – 7/10 Jess can walk the rim of a skip. We know this sounds like some sort of tawdry practice but it isn’t. She can, literally, walk round the edge of a skip without falling in. Even after a very busy year of recording cats their sheer ability mildly impresses. Health & Vitality – 6/10 We understand that Jess is very much an outside cat. We’re not completely sure she is even owned by a person. Usually this would mean a cat would at least look a little sickly. We’re happy to report her coat is shiny and she has happy eyes. Home invasion – 8/10 Fantastic. Jess once went to a party. She didn’t know anyone there but happily rolled up, had a bit of stroke off random strangers and then tried to move in. Exactly the sort of behaviour that gets you shunned in human society gets you points on here. That’s mainly because we’re not cats. Meow – 4/10 Although we acknowledge that Jess will stop and “talk” to passing people we have insufficient evidence to make a judgement on the quality of her conversation. We will have to be cautious until we have better information. Fighting Ability […]
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New Contender: Dibble
Name: Dibble (Identity confirmed) Agility – 3/10 Dibble isn’t allowed out on his own. We doubt he’s allowed out if accompanied by an adult either. You would assume that this isn’t agility related but it is. He isn’t allowed out because if he does manage to get over the fence he gets stuck. Getting over fences is the very bread and butter of being a cat. Health & Vitality – 7/10 As he’s not allowed out he is an extremely healthy cat, or so we assume. He does live on a diet of chicken, we are extremely jealous of his dinner. Home invasion – 0/10 Dibble has moved house three times. Although this means he has got to see the inside of a fair few houses he has not achieved this through pleading or guile. We hope that one day Dibble might be able to throw off his incarceration and run free. We might go round and create a diversion; if we started a fight on the doorstep he could leg it whilst the screws are looking the other way. Meow – 7/10 Apparently he has a beautiful singing voice. We like this. More cats should sing. Though only between 10 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Anything outside those core hours would just be irritating. Fighting Ability – 2/10 Interestingly Dibble has adopted two kittens. An unusual development for a single male cat. We imagine this is symbolic of the decline of moral standards and broken Britain. You probably […]
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New Contender: Gerrard
Name: Gerrard (Identity confirmed) We, of course, know Gerrard very well. We remember him running away. We remember him coming home again. We’re very pleased to have the opportunity to welcome Gerrard into the Meowseley family. Not that we’re related to cats. Nor are many of the cats related to each other. It’s a figurative family. Agility – 4/10 Gerrard, apparently suffers from vertigo. He gets the fear when he climbs on a table. He’s a cat. This is a very poor display indeed. On the other hand he can fight in the style of Dogtanian whilst balanced on a wall as thick as your hand. We don’t know what to believe. We love the idea of a cat pretending to be a cartoon dog in pre-revolutionary France. In fact we love the idea of cats standing on two legs and pretending to be people. Overall the vertigo story sounds entirely more credible so a paltry score is awarded. Health & Vitality – 3/10 We respect you too much to make any outlandish claims about Gerrard’s health and vitality. Look at him, he’s clearly been engaging with healthcare services. On the plus side we’re reassured that anything that is wrong with him is purely down to fighting. Over the years he’s had abscesses and a torn retina. We do agree that he seems to have a very shiny coat so we gave him a bit for that. Home invasion – 9/10 Gerrard’s previous home invasion antics have been plastered all over the […]
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