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New Contender: Ollie
Name: Ollie (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Ok what have we got? Ollie can jump on to the top of a fridge freezer. According to Currys that seems to be a height of around 1.7 meters. That’s a good height, taller than a man but smaller than a house (for those of you that need a bit of clarity on what a fridge looks like). Interestingly Ollie was once rehoused after climbing up the chimney. He clearly sees himself as some sort of cockney street urchin. Health & Vitality – 3/10 Unfortunately Ollie doesn’t have a tail. This is a bit odd in a cat. Unless you’re one of those freaky manx cats. We don’t think Ollie is a manx cat. Anyway we have been reliably told that manx cats are forbidden from crossing into this country because of the way they unsettle children. We are not completely sure why Ollie doesn’t have a tail but we’re going to penalise him for it. Home invasion – 4/10 From what we can gather, most of Ollie’s invasions seem to result from him moving in with new owners and then getting thrown out because he doesn’t like children or other cats. We can understand where he’s coming from but it isn’t a good example of breaking and entering. Meow – 7/10 We’ve noticed that talking cats are on the up these days. Ollie has developed an ability to talk after having a tooth extracted. We assume that the tooth was in some way […]
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New Contender: Yoda
Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed) Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling. We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened. This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat). Agility – 7/10 Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is. Health & Vitality – 6/10 She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must […]
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New Contender: Stuart
Name: Stuart (Identity confirmed) Agility – 9/10 We’re not going to insult your inteligence here. Stuart is clearly agile. He’s on a bloody SHED. How did he get up there? We don’t know but we’re willing to bet cold hard cash he didn’t use a ladder. Health & Vitality – 5/10 This doesn’t look like a good score and we’re certainly not trying to imply that Stuart is in any way manky. We understand that Stuart has got himself into a number of scrapes over the years including getting trapped in a….. trap and getting chased by a Big Dog. On the other hand he looks a lot younger than his quite respectable seven years. Home invasion – 7/10 Stuart was once found innocently sitting in the window of someone else’s house. He hadn’t been stolen, oh no. He’d just gone round to have a bit of sit and a look about. A truly bold cat. Meow – 5/10 We only have basic intelligence with which to assess Stuart’s meow. We don’t feel that a friendly trilling sound really demonstrates much in the way of quality. We do acknowledge that a cat snoring is very cute but not entirely appropriate for this section. It is the meow section and not the “noises that cats make section”. Fighting Ability – 6/10 Clearly Stuart didn’t do very well against the Big Dog but as they are the cats natural predators that is only to be expected. We have seen photographic evidence that Stuart is […]
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New Contender(s): Frankie & Scotty
Name(s): Frankie & Scottty (Identity confirmed) Both Frankie and Scotty were submitted as a pair. This has caused us some problems, mainly becuase we’re not sure our scoring system can cope with it. We had a discussion with some of the worlds greatest cat experts and decided that if it’s good enough for wrestling then it’s good enough for us. So, may we present Frankie and Scotty? Agility – 7/10 Both cats can easily jump over 6 feet. A few months ago we would have been impressed by this but it is quickly becoming apparent that if you’re a cat and you can’t jump over 6 feet then there is something wrong with you. What they can do is leap over plants like tiny show jumpers. This is a fantastic image and we can only assume that their owner straps Action Men to their backs as a matter of course. Health & Vitality – 8/10 These cats live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Even we don’t live on a diet of fresh fish and chicken. Though we also don’t have a head shaped like a protractor,but it isn’t a competition (it is really). A good diet means a shiny coat and at the very least the appearance of health and vitality. Home invasion – 6/10 Frankie and Scotty are known to visit their neighbour upstairs and they do jump over fences. Not the most thrilling story of adventure but solid evidence. Meow – 10/10 They scream like banshees. […]
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New Contender: Jeff
Name: Name: Jeff (Identity confirmed) Agility – 8/10 Jeff is a bit of a feisty lady. We know what you’re thinking, lady? Yes, apparently she is named after Jeff Bridges, we cannot conceive of any reason why you would want to name a cat after Jeff Bridges. But we digress, apparently if locked up Jeff likes to leg it up the curtains and generally trash the place. You’d need a fair bit of a agility to climb up curtains. Health & Vitality – 7/10 She looks fairly healthy. She’s got a shiny coat and nice eyes. The main thing that stands out is her absolutely massive head. If they made hats for cats then you wouldn’t be able to get one for Jeff because her head is too large. We think a big head is a sign of being healthy. Though we’re not sure why. Home invasion – 5/10 Jeff likes to get out and about and has been described as “a bit feral”. We know she doesn’t like being kept in her own house but does that mean she goes to see other people? Based on little or no information we think she doesn’t. We think she spends most of her time outside sitting under a bush eating grass. Meow – 3/10 There is an element of guessing in this score but we don’t think Jeff has a very good meow. We’re willing to be corrected on this. Fighting Ability – 7/10 Jeff is like an untamed beast that […]
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New Contender: Brown
Name: Name: Brown (Identity confirmed) Agility – 7/10 Brown can climb on top of clothes horse. This is good, both agile and a little bit cheeky. We can imagine a cute picture of Brown on top of some washing looking quite cute, maybe with a poorly spelled caption highlighting the incongruous nature of a cat on a clotheshorse. It could work, maybe like a meme or something. Health & Vitality – 8/10 We have to admit that our intelligence is horrifically out of date. We had been led to believe that Brown had only ever thrown up once, ever. If Edward’s throwing up tendency is any barometer of cat health then we think Brown must be some sort of super cat with a constitution made of steel. Home invasion – -/10 We just don’t feel able to score this one. Brown may have never been involved in breaking and entering back in October when we supposed to have written this but surely that has all been sorted out now, hasn’t it? Meow – 6/10 Brown has a meow and uses it to good effect. Somewhat sparingly but you can have too much of good thing. Fighting Ability – 5/10 When it comes to fighting Brown tends to keep it in the family. She fights with her uncle, Grey (there is a convoluted family tree here that we have to admit we don’t really understand). Grey is also a kitten so there is an inevitable points reduction. We’re sorry but there […]
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New Contender: Grey
Name: Name: Grey (Identity confirmed) Agility – 4/10 Grey’s athletic endeavours appear to extend to “a little light climbing” but only before lunch. This is not satisfactory. Kittens should have boundless energy and should spend their days getting into all manner of scrapes. Kitten scrapes should always include, though not exclusively, an element of climbing. Health & Vitality – 7/10 Grey is only young but so far hasn’t demonstrated any adverse reactions to being alive. A healthy little cat gets a healthy little score. Home invasion – 1/10 Grey has never left the house yet. Pathetic. You can’t invade somebody elses house if you can’t even get out of your own. We’re seriously thinking of taking this point back as it really isn’t good enough. Meow – 7/10 Grey’s meow has been described as a “poor squeaky kitten meow”. We think this is unfair. It takes a bit of time for a cat to find it’s voice and making such an effort at a young age certainly bodes well for the future. He clearly has something to say and we want to hear it. Fighting Ability – 2/10 Kittens are shit at fighting. What may appear to us as playful rolling around is in fact just playful rolling around. Grey is never going to have the respect of his peers (or us) until he’s killed something. Or at the very least maimed it. Harsh but fair. Overall cuteness – 8/10 Grey is undeniably cute. We’d go as far as to […]
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New Contender : Charlie
Name: Name: Charlie (Identity confirmed) Agility -9/10 Charlie isn’t just agile he’s a veritable catrobat. We honestly don’t understand the convoluted passage of staircases, flat roofs and very high walls that he navigates on a daily basis to get home. Suffice to say we’re impressed with his commitment and think he’s set a very high standard for other cats to live up to. Actually he has not only set a very high standard but he’s probably jumped over it. Health & Vitality – 3/10 As far as health and vitality goes Charlie is big old lump of contradictions. In a way he should be rewarded for simply being alive. Reading his battle for life is a bit like an episode of ER. Admittedly an episode of ER with more of a cat focus than normal. In summary he’s got a dodgy eye from some sort of infection, his kidneys don’t work very well which means he once needed a catheter (obvious pun ignored) and he was once shot. Think about that last one for a bit. He was actually proper shot and is still alive. We’re intrigued to know how you get a catheter into a cat though we probably wouldn’t want to watch it happen. Home invasion – 2/10 Charlie doesn’t invade homes. We’ve heard that he got locked in a shed once but that really isn’t the same. Meow – 4/10 On the one hand Charlie does meow. On the other hand it’s a bit of a rubbish […]
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New Contender: Felix
Name: Felix (Identity confirmed) Agility -3/10 Bandy legs and a limp. Not exactly characteristics you’d expect in an agile cat. You wouldn’t be disappointed either as Felix isn’t very agile. Health & Vitality – 4/10 As stated previously he has a bit of a mobility problem but as he’s getting on a bit this is to be expected. As you can see from his picture he also seems to be slightly out of phase with our reality. This has clearly led to some blurring round his edges. On the other hand he is fat, in some cultures excess weight is seen as a sign of prosperity and vitality. This is not one of those cultures so he’s getting a nice round four points. Home invasion – 8/10 Felix is an old skool cat of the highest calibre. He enters where he’s not wanted; he eats your dinner and then pisses on your table. These young cats or “kittens” as they like to be known have been pampered with their sachets of cat food and reflective collars. In the old days if a cat wanted a tasty fish then the only way to get it was to steal it from a fishmonger. We’ve seen the cartoons. Meow – 6/10 It has been reported to us that Felix doesn’t meow but he does do a bit of caterwauling. As this is likely to be one of the only opportunities that we ever get to use that word in its correct context we’ve […]
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New Contender: Brown Cat
Name: Brown Cat (Identity not confirmed) Agility -4/10 Brown Cat wanders about like he’s lost something. He seems fairly good at getting up and down fences but nothing really special. Health & Vitality – 5/10 Is being really really hairy a sign of being healthy? Probably not. He spends a lot of time sitting in the rain and that can’t be good for you if you’re that hairy. Having said that the extra weight he carries around in rain water is probably good for muscle development. Home invasion – 6/10 All available evidence indicates that Brown Cat doesn’t even have a home of his own so he’s always on the lookout for a new place to have a kip. He is well known as a cat that tries to beg his way into a house with his pitiful meow. Meow – 7/10 As stated above his meow is a bit pathetic but fair play to him he does have one and he uses it to good affect. Fighting Ability – 4/10 There is little or no evidence of Brown Cat having any fighting ability whatsoever. He’s scared of Edward which means that in the social order of cats he is pretty well at the bottom. It both saddens and sickens us to see a cat that has sunk to this level. Overall cuteness – 7/10 Brown Cat is fairly cute. A bit brown but that in itself isn’t a reason to mark him down. Friendliness – 3/10 There just isn’t […]
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