Name: Errol Frank (Identity confirmed) Agility -6/10 You’ve got to watch Errol Frank, he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast. Health & Vitality – 6/10 He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy. Home invasion – 10/10 Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well. Meow – 5/10 Being the strong silent type means that Errol Frank doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Errol Frank is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what is […]
Name:Â Errol (Identity not confirmed) Agility -6/10 You’ve got to watch Errol he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast. Health & Vitality – 6/10 He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy. Home invasion – 10/10 Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well. Meow – 5/10 Being the strong silent type means that Errol doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Errol is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what […]
Name: Bollo (Identity confirmed) Agility -5/10 Apparently Bollo can fit through the smallest gap. We would hazard a guess that Bollo is not one of those microscopic cats made by the Japanese. In fact we’re not entirely sure the Japanese make microscopic cats, why would they? You’d lose them all the time, or tread on them which would be horrific. Like furry ants. Anyway, such claims are pure hyperbole. Health & Vitality – 4/10 Bollo likes to purge. She eats birds until they make her throw up. A more enlightened website would probably recognise this as a tricky psychological disorder that should be treated sensitively. We’re not that web site. Pull yourself together Bollo you’re no Princess Diana (though we do think your hair is lovely). Home invasion – 6/10 Bollo goes out and then Bollo comes home. Nobody knows where she’s been in between. We like to think she is leading a double life in somebody else’s house. It would be great if someone else submitted her as their own cat. We doubt that will happen. Meow – 7/10 If reports of her meow are true then there should be very few people in Birmingham that haven’t heard her. Even if such reports are exaggerated we’ll give her a decent score for being one of the few cats we’ve come across recently that makes the effort. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Whilst we recognise that she kills in order to maintain her perilous psychological condition, at the end of the […]
Name: Naboo (Identity confirmed) Agility -4/10 We understand Naboo once fell out of a window (or off a window ledge if you want to be picky). This is not a good quality in a cat. The very minimum we expect from cats is stability, anything less than this deserves the same level of contempt you would give a clumsy child. Health & Vitality – 8/10 We think Naboo looks very healthy. Lovely shiny eyes and a quizzical tail. A well presented cat is one that you can respect and share a confidence with. Home invasion – 10/10 Now we know that Naboo doesn’t really like to leave the confines of his house and garden and normally we would take an extremely dim view of this sort of behaviour. What we also know is that when Naboo absolutely needs to “go” he likes to do it in Carl Chinn’s garden. Now who amongst us can honestly say that given the opportunity they wouldn’t do the same? We can only imagine his fake brummie surprise everytime Naboo leaves him a little present. Well done Naboo you’ve given a little bit back for all of us. Meow – 4/10 Naboo doesn’t have a proper meow. The contention that he can “squeak like an excited teddy bear” has been discounted by the panel on the grounds of sheer nonsense. If you wish to make a case for a cat’s vocal ability then we suggest that comparing it to one of pure fantasy is not the […]
Name: Mrs Miggins (Identity confirmed) Agility -8/10 Mrs Miggins can scale a six foot fence only requiring purchase at an approximate height of four feet. That means that in one bound she can jump over an 11 year old. That’s pretty good. Health & Vitality – 5/10 She’s fat because she eats dog food. That probably means that her sense of smell isn’t working very well either. Home invasion – 7/10 She gets her dog food from the dog next door. It’s a bit of a karmic experience this isn’t it? What loses you points in one section gets them back somewhere else. Meow – 5/10 Apparently Mrs Miggins “yowls”. Making words up is no substitute for a cat having a proper meow. Fighting Ability – 4/10 In a break with tradition Mrs Miggins is going to be severely penalised for trying to kill a bat. We like bats and we don’t think cats should be killing them and that isn’t just because they sound a bit similar. It does raise the fascinating question of what the inside of a cats mouth would sound like to a bat. A question that we will only ever be able to ponder. Hmmm. Overall cuteness – 9/10 If this was just a mark for being fluffy then she would do well. As we consider the overall context of a given cats cuteness she has done very well. Friendliness – 8/10 There is no doubting Mrs Miggins friendliness and she isn’t too picky. Dignity […]
Name: Pebbledash (Identity confirmed) Agility – 7/10 Pebbledash is more than capable of getting on top of a shed roof, apparently. That’s quite impressive. Sheds do tend to be quite high. We probably couldn’t do it, having said that we have no idea how high the shed actually is. It might be one of those pretend sheds they sell in Homebase. That would be a bit rubbish. Health & Vitality – 8/10  Apparently an indication of how healthy Pebbledash is, is the fact that she abuses Valerian. This has put us in a bit of a tricky position. We could nod wisely and give a good score or we could just admit that we haven’t got a bloody clue what Valerian is. 8 points probably indicates which way we’ve gone with this one. Home invasion – 8/10 This made us chuckle. Pebbledash used to think that nextdoor’s settee was actually hers. Brilliant. Meow – 6/10 Rather than a proper meow Pebbledash prefers to trill. This is the sort of behaviour we would expect from some sort of budgie but it’s worth a reward. Fighting Ability – 7/10 Although we are dubious about her ability to take on other cats we do know that she has taken down a magpie. This is good. As we all know the magpie is one of nature’s bastards. Any animal that was intrumental in Tommy Boyd’s TV travesty should be killed on sight. Overall cuteness – 8/10 Pebbledash is undeniaby cute. We once saw her fall asleep on […]
Name: Whisper (Identity confirmed) This is a bit of new one really (not the cat but the referral methodology). Whisper has been referred by someone who knows him rather than his owner. Based on this we are going to assume that there isn’t the same level of bias that we have come to expect. Agility – 8/10 Whisper can effortlessly leap 6 feet up in the air to the top of a fence (albeit with the help of a box). You see how cold hard facts with proper measurement results in decent points? Health & Vitality – 5/10 We’ve been told that Whisper is considered healthy because of some sort of twinkle in his eyes. We have asked the internet and are pretty sure that twinkle is in fact not a medical term. Regardless of twinkle claims we think Whisper has cold dead eyes. Neutral points. Home invasion – 9/10 We are getting some pretty high scores on home invasion with the last few cats. Whisper is no less of a winner. It is sign of a great cat if it tries to move in with you. We understand that Whisper regards Clarence Road as his own personal playground and have awarded points accordingly. Meow – 1/10 There is no verifiable record of Whisper meowing. In a somewhat desperate plea the referrer makes some fanciful claim that he just doesn’t want to. We don’t deal in supposition. We deal in evidence. Fighting Ability – 5/10 Whisper has one verifiable kill […]
Name: Geno (Identity confirmed) Agility – 7/10 Geno is apparently a bit of a tiny cat but we don’t think that is likely to undermine his agility. In fact cats tend to start off tiny and get bigger, it’s the nature of growth. Anyway, he likes to live on top of a wardrobe so he must be a bit nippy. Health & Vitality – 6/10 Look at those inquisitive eyes. That isn’t a cat thinking about a lingering health concern. Geno has been penalised for being a bit small. Restricted growth is not something you can get away with having a pop at in humans anymore but we can with cats. Let’s see what the so called “pc brigade” make of that. Home invasion – 9/10 By all accounts Geno is pretty damn good at breaking into houses. As a matter of principle we reward the use of another cats cat flap. We were also very entertained by the fact that he seeks out barbeques. Meow – 6/10 Some would say this score is likely to be a little contentious given the parochial nature of this experiment. We accept that Geno is very chatty and has been rewarded but we are very concerned that he has a Brummie accent. Geno has been marked down for being a bit provincial. We know this isn’t going to be a popular decision but we’re not really that bothered. Fighting Ability – 6/10 Apparently Geno is bit of a boxer and likes annoying dogs. We […]
Name: Graham (Identity confirmed) Agility – 5/10 Graham has a particular interest in chasing bits of paper. This isn’t tricky. Bits of paper don’t move under their own steam and are relatively easy to chase down. Health & Vitality – 7/10 Graham certainly looks very healthy. We have been told that she likes hiding in plastic bags which could be the result of a deathwish or some sort of saucy autoerotic asphyxiation. We’re not sure if going for the latter is giving her the benefit of the doubt or not. Home invasion – 10/10 Graham is the master of home invasion. She is known in Chantry Road for pissing on a Doctors cabbages. We assume this was probably a statement against the absurd class system that means some people have massive houses whilst others are condemned to live in…… er smaller houses. We’re sure that’s what she meant. Meow – 3/10 We can’t ever remember her meowing. We could be wrong. Fighting Ability – 6/10 As Graham lives with Simon we think she probably isn’t very good at fighting other cats. Previously she has deposited a dead rat on her owners pillow and that gives her a better than middling score. Overall cuteness – 7/10 Graham is a very cute cat. Even if she is grey. Friendliness – 5/10 To be honest we’ve always found her a bit standoffish. We don’t know if she is dwarfed by Simon’s magnificence or just rude. Dignity – 4/10 Graham is a thirsty cat. She likes […]
Name : Billy (Identity confirmed) Agility – 4/10 There is one thing about Billy that is going to come up time and time again in his assessment. He has one leg shorter than the others. Cats aren’t like tables, you can’t fold up a beer mat and make them stable. They move too much. We’ve been told that Billy is very agile even with his disability. We don’t believe it. Health & Vitality – 6/10 It’s difficult to assess the Health and Vitality of Billy having not actually ever met him. In the picture he looks a bit tired. The little fellah can hardly keep his eyes open. We’ll give him the benfit of the doubt and assume he’s just had a bit of a run. Home invasion – -/10 This isn’t a zero score. For all we know he’s never left the house. We need more information. If people know something about Billy and his wandering nature then we implore them to come forward. There’s nothing to be scared of. This isn’t Crimewatch. He will be reassessed. Meow – 5/10 Okay, you’re probably thinking how did we manage to give a score for this section but not the previous one purely based on a picture? Good point, he looks like a cat that’s got a fairly decent meow. He gets 5 points. This system is nothing if not arbitary. Fighting Ability – 7/10 There has been a ridiculous amount of controvesy over the last week about the flawed nature of the […]