Name: Name: Brown (Identity confirmed) Agility – 7/10 Brown can climb on top of clothes horse. This is good, both agile and a little bit cheeky. We can imagine a cute picture of Brown on top of some washing looking quite cute, maybe with a poorly spelled caption highlighting the incongruous nature of a cat on a clotheshorse. It could work, maybe like a meme or something. Health & Vitality – 8/10 We have to admit that our intelligence is horrifically out of date. We had been led to believe that Brown had only ever thrown up once, ever. If Edward’s throwing up tendency is any barometer of cat health then we think Brown must be some sort of super cat with a constitution made of steel. Home invasion – -/10 We just don’t feel able to score this one. Brown may have never been involved in breaking and entering back in October when we supposed to have written this but surely that has all been sorted out now, hasn’t it? Meow – 6/10 Brown has a meow and uses it to good effect. Somewhat sparingly but you can have too much of good thing. Fighting Ability – 5/10 When it comes to fighting Brown tends to keep it in the family. She fights with her uncle, Grey (there is a convoluted family tree here that we have to admit we don’t really understand). Grey is also a kitten so there is an inevitable points reduction. We’re sorry but there […]
We’re very sorry to have to tell everyone but it seems that Socks has died. Socks’ owner has got in touch to say that she was found by somebody walking a dog. We don’t know how this happened. We are all very sorry to hear this as we really liked Socks.
Name: Name: Grey (Identity confirmed) Agility – 4/10 Grey’s athletic endeavours appear to extend to “a little light climbing” but only before lunch. This is not satisfactory. Kittens should have boundless energy and should spend their days getting into all manner of scrapes. Kitten scrapes should always include, though not exclusively, an element of climbing. Health & Vitality – 7/10 Grey is only young but so far hasn’t demonstrated any adverse reactions to being alive. A healthy little cat gets a healthy little score. Home invasion – 1/10 Grey has never left the house yet. Pathetic. You can’t invade somebody elses house if you can’t even get out of your own. We’re seriously thinking of taking this point back as it really isn’t good enough. Meow – 7/10 Grey’s meow has been described as a “poor squeaky kitten meow”. We think this is unfair. It takes a bit of time for a cat to find it’s voice and making such an effort at a young age certainly bodes well for the future. He clearly has something to say and we want to hear it. Fighting Ability – 2/10 Kittens are shit at fighting. What may appear to us as playful rolling around is in fact just playful rolling around. Grey is never going to have the respect of his peers (or us) until he’s killed something. Or at the very least maimed it. Harsh but fair. Overall cuteness – 8/10 Grey is undeniably cute. We’d go as far as to […]
Name: Name: Charlie (Identity confirmed) Agility -9/10 Charlie isn’t just agile he’s a veritable catrobat. We honestly don’t understand the convoluted passage of staircases, flat roofs and very high walls that he navigates on a daily basis to get home. Suffice to say we’re impressed with his commitment and think he’s set a very high standard for other cats to live up to. Actually he has not only set a very high standard but he’s probably jumped over it. Health & Vitality – 3/10 As far as health and vitality goes Charlie is big old lump of contradictions. In a way he should be rewarded for simply being alive. Reading his battle for life is a bit like an episode of ER. Admittedly an episode of ER with more of a cat focus than normal. In summary he’s got a dodgy eye from some sort of infection, his kidneys don’t work very well which means he once needed a catheter (obvious pun ignored) and he was once shot. Think about that last one for a bit. He was actually proper shot and is still alive. We’re intrigued to know how you get a catheter into a cat though we probably wouldn’t want to watch it happen. Home invasion – 2/10 Charlie doesn’t invade homes. We’ve heard that he got locked in a shed once but that really isn’t the same. Meow – 4/10 On the one hand Charlie does meow. On the other hand it’s a bit of a rubbish […]
Name: Felix (Identity confirmed) Agility -3/10 Bandy legs and a limp. Not exactly characteristics you’d expect in an agile cat. You wouldn’t be disappointed either as Felix isn’t very agile. Health & Vitality – 4/10 As stated previously he has a bit of a mobility problem but as he’s getting on a bit this is to be expected. As you can see from his picture he also seems to be slightly out of phase with our reality. This has clearly led to some blurring round his edges. On the other hand he is fat, in some cultures excess weight is seen as a sign of prosperity and vitality. This is not one of those cultures so he’s getting a nice round four points. Home invasion – 8/10 Felix is an old skool cat of the highest calibre. He enters where he’s not wanted; he eats your dinner and then pisses on your table. These young cats or “kittens” as they like to be known have been pampered with their sachets of cat food and reflective collars. In the old days if a cat wanted a tasty fish then the only way to get it was to steal it from a fishmonger. We’ve seen the cartoons. Meow – 6/10 It has been reported to us that Felix doesn’t meow but he does do a bit of caterwauling. As this is likely to be one of the only opportunities that we ever get to use that word in its correct context we’ve […]
Help. Apparently Fraggle has gone missing. She is 9 years old and is apparently quite healthy. She was last seen at around 8 am on Saturday and is usually quite shy of strangers. We’ve also heard that she “trills” to let you know when she is happy.  We’ve never even had the chance to review her yet so finding her is more than a matter of urgency. She usually hangs around on Alcester Road in Moseley opposite the Post Office. If you can spare a bit of time have a look about and see if you can find her . We won’t put her owners phone number on here as they might attract all manner of nutters. If you do see her then email emergency@meowseley.co.uk and we will pass your details on.  We will try and provide periodic updates as we hear more.  Off you go.  [EDIT]No news on Fraggle at the moment. In many ways she’s a bit like Schrödinger’s cat. So….. er…….keep looking[/EDIT]
Name: Brown Cat (Identity not confirmed) Agility -4/10 Brown Cat wanders about like he’s lost something. He seems fairly good at getting up and down fences but nothing really special. Health & Vitality – 5/10 Is being really really hairy a sign of being healthy? Probably not. He spends a lot of time sitting in the rain and that can’t be good for you if you’re that hairy. Having said that the extra weight he carries around in rain water is probably good for muscle development. Home invasion – 6/10 All available evidence indicates that Brown Cat doesn’t even have a home of his own so he’s always on the lookout for a new place to have a kip. He is well known as a cat that tries to beg his way into a house with his pitiful meow. Meow – 7/10 As stated above his meow is a bit pathetic but fair play to him he does have one and he uses it to good affect. Fighting Ability – 4/10 There is little or no evidence of Brown Cat having any fighting ability whatsoever. He’s scared of Edward which means that in the social order of cats he is pretty well at the bottom. It both saddens and sickens us to see a cat that has sunk to this level. Overall cuteness – 7/10 Brown Cat is fairly cute. A bit brown but that in itself isn’t a reason to mark him down. Friendliness – 3/10 There just isn’t […]
Name: Errol Frank (Identity confirmed) Agility -6/10 You’ve got to watch Errol Frank, he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast. Health & Vitality – 6/10 He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy. Home invasion – 10/10 Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well. Meow – 5/10 Being the strong silent type means that Errol Frank doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Errol Frank is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what is […]
Name:Â Errol (Identity not confirmed) Agility -6/10 You’ve got to watch Errol he has a bit of a habit of sneaking up on you from the most unexpected angles. Quite often you can be happily wandering along, you hear a bit of meow, and there he is, lingering on a fence. He’s also very very fast. Health & Vitality – 6/10 He’s certainly a big fellah. Probably about the size of one and a half normal cats. His coat seems quite shiny so there’s no reason to assume he is anything other than healthy. Home invasion – 10/10 Errol is about as good as it gets when it comes to getting into other people’s houses. We’ve caught him trying to get through the cat flap and when that didn’t work he just knocked on the door. How can you refuse a cat that knocks on the door? He has been brought up very well. Meow – 5/10 Being the strong silent type means that Errol doesn’t need to make a fuss to get noticed. When he needs to let people know he’s sitting on a fence then he does but he isn’t exactly chatty. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Errol is about the hardest cat we’ve come across so far. He can batter any other cat in his road and totures small animals. He was observed once taking a rat for a walk. Racing it up and down the road until he was bored. It is dubious whether we should reward what […]
Name: Bollo (Identity confirmed) Agility -5/10 Apparently Bollo can fit through the smallest gap. We would hazard a guess that Bollo is not one of those microscopic cats made by the Japanese. In fact we’re not entirely sure the Japanese make microscopic cats, why would they? You’d lose them all the time, or tread on them which would be horrific. Like furry ants. Anyway, such claims are pure hyperbole. Health & Vitality – 4/10 Bollo likes to purge. She eats birds until they make her throw up. A more enlightened website would probably recognise this as a tricky psychological disorder that should be treated sensitively. We’re not that web site. Pull yourself together Bollo you’re no Princess Diana (though we do think your hair is lovely). Home invasion – 6/10 Bollo goes out and then Bollo comes home. Nobody knows where she’s been in between. We like to think she is leading a double life in somebody else’s house. It would be great if someone else submitted her as their own cat. We doubt that will happen. Meow – 7/10 If reports of her meow are true then there should be very few people in Birmingham that haven’t heard her. Even if such reports are exaggerated we’ll give her a decent score for being one of the few cats we’ve come across recently that makes the effort. Fighting Ability – 9/10 Whilst we recognise that she kills in order to maintain her perilous psychological condition, at the end of the […]