MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Oct
25thNew Contender: Alfonso

Here we go, Alfonso (Identity confirmed). He’s a big one. Agility – 4/10 Don’t be fooled by the casual use of building materials as a bed. Alfonso isn’t made for the outdoor world. He can’t walk along a fence without looking like an arse. He can’t even climb a tree properly because it scares the willies out of himself. He’s delicate. Health & Vitality – 7/10 With nostrils like tiny tunnels Alfonso is worryingly efficient at absorbing oxygen. As anyone knows the key to efficient cardio is optimising breathing. Alfonso is described as having a “swinging belly”. This is a mistake made by many amateur cat enthusiasts. The swinging element is actually made of prominent tummy pom poms. These are entirely natural and a sign of a good healthy cat. Alfonso once spent a day on Ketamine. Most of that day involved downing pints of water and then throwing it all back up again. Don’t be too harsh on him, we’ve all done it. Home invasion – 2/10 There is little or no evidence to back up any sort of skill at breaking and entering. We know he can crawl about on his own flat roof but at the end of the day who cares? It’s other people’s roofs we care about. We also know that another cat sneaks in and steals his dinner. Not even defending your own territory is obviously heavily penalised. Meow – 6/10 Most of his vocal ability is focused on setting out his need to be rescued from whatever […]