MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Nov
2ndNew Contender: Yoda

Name: Yoda (Identity confirmed)

Before we get started it might be useful to address some of the issues that have been raised about cat names. Some people have commented on the growing trend to give cats person names rather than what could be considered a conventional feline labelling.

We would like to make it clear that although we think of cats as tiny furry people we do not penalise a contender for having a silly name. We recognise that the name a cat is saddled with is the responsibility of the owner and should not reflect badly on the unfortunate creature that ends up named after a cartoon or a cloud. Though we can’t think of any examples of where this has happened.

This statement of policy should not be seen as any sort of criticism of Yoda’s name. We do think it’s a bit of  silly name, especially as she is a girl (cat).

1. Agility – 7/10
   • Yoda can climb through windows. This is basic cat behaviour and isn’t really going to get her a large score. But hang on a minute these windows she can climb through are bedroom windows. Isn’t it conventional to have your bedroom upstairs? That means she must be doing something fairly agile to make her window climbing decision useful. This score stands whilst further investigations take place as to where exactly this “bedroom” is.
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • She looks healthy. She certainly doesn’t look like she’s 7 years old so she must be doing something right. She did get eaten by a dog once. The term eaten might be a slight embellishment but it’s going to take its toll mentally.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Ahh the old two dinner trick. Yoda visits her neighbours where she will regularly receive an extra dinner. Invading a house is one thing but filling your pockets whilst you’re in there is a gift.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Not just one meow but a wide variety of context sensitive meows. She can, apparently, communicate her every thought through a highly evolved system of language. We are sceptical about this as previous attempts to communicate with cats have largely been doomed due to their tiny brains. We’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for the time being.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • Simply not good enough. There is no credible evidence of Yoda fighting and an underlying implication that she simply legs it at the first sign of trouble.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We think she’s cute. Very cute actually. She’s getting on a bit but still has the air of a kitten. Anyway, there’s a picture up there so judge for yourself.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • Some would say she’s a bit of cold fish. That would be an extremely odd description for a cat as ironically they really like eating cold fish. Yoda is not going to be leaping all over strangers but will show a level of affection once she gets to know you. This is probably quite rational behaviour if you’re quite small but we like cats that are just shameless.
8. Dignity – 2/10
   • She licks her arse on the dining room table. We imagine this isn’t during dinner. You wouldn’t really stand for that would you?
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now this category has produced a horrible contradiction. Yoda’s owners think she isn’t very clever yet claim she has her own distinct language. We think being able to talk makes her fairly clever. Certainly cleverer than any of our previous contenders.
10. Remaining lives – 10/10
    • This is the most startling cat revelation we have ever come across. You might want to sit down for this bit. Yoda’s brother was taken away by an eagle. We’ll let you think about that for a bit.

    An eagle……… or possibly another sort of large bird. We think an eagle sounds better so it’s the story we are going with. This is an outstanding brush with death. Though to be fair to Yoda, she wasn’t there at the time and probably doesn’t know anything about it. We are giving a big bucket load of vicarious points for the mental image it created.

Summary: 61%

Yoda appears to be a bit of mixed bag . Some devastatingly good scores (you did see the bit about the eagle didn’t you?) and yet rubbish at fighting. It all contributes to the rich tapestry that is grading cats by arbitrary criteria.

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