MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Dec
21stNew Contender: Ollie

Name: Ollie (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Ok what have we got? Ollie can jump on to the top of a fridge freezer. According to Currys that seems to be a height of around 1.7 meters. That’s a good height, taller than a man but smaller than a house (for those of you that need a bit of clarity on what a fridge looks like). Interestingly Ollie was once rehoused after climbing up the chimney. He clearly sees himself as some sort of cockney street urchin.
2. Health & Vitality – 3/10
   • Unfortunately Ollie doesn’t have a tail. This is a bit odd in a cat. Unless you’re one of those freaky manx cats. We don’t think Ollie is a manx cat. Anyway we have been reliably told that manx cats are forbidden from crossing into this country because of the way they unsettle children. We are not completely sure why Ollie doesn’t have a tail but we’re going to penalise him for it.
3. Home invasion – 4/10
   • From what we can gather, most of Ollie’s invasions seem to result from him moving in with new owners and then getting thrown out because he doesn’t like children or other cats. We can understand where he’s coming from but it isn’t a good example of breaking and entering.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • We’ve noticed that talking cats are on the up these days. Ollie has developed an ability to talk after having a tooth extracted. We assume that the tooth was in some way blocking his mouth. More importantly we know where he had his tooth extracted and we’re giving him points for simply being alive. We don’t want to get sued so you might want to try and guess where he went to the vets.
5. Fighting Ability – 8/10
   • Ollie is a bully. He likes to bully smaller cats. Fantastic. We like a bully. What these smaller cats need to learn is that they need to stand up to Ollie as it is the one thing he fears. In reality they will probably get a good kicking but……
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • This is a really tricky one. We’ve seen Ollie in a number of different situations and in some he’s very cute yet others he looks like he’ll rip your eyes out. We do note that at 13 he’s getting on a bit, so the fact that he’s sometimes cute is enough for the benefit of the doubt.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • Although Ollie has moved house due to his antipathy to children and other cats he does get on well with full sized humans. We don’t give a toss about children so we think a fairly good score is in order.
8. Dignity – 8/10
   • In many ways you would think that a cat wearing a hat would have no dignity whatsoever. We would have held this as one of our first rules of cats, dignity and clothing. In fact it would be our only rule of cats, dignity and clothing. As you can see, Ollie does indeed have an air of dignity wearing a hat. In fact, in a move designed to throw all rules out of the window, Ollie has dignity wearing what appears to be the silver case from a mince pie.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • This is a section of mixed blessings for Ollie. On the one hand he can play a chord on a guitar. That is very impressive. Well it’s impressive if it’s an E7 augmented 9th as that requires fingers and some musical theory knowledge. On the other hand he eats melon. Cats don’t eat melons. What possible situation could a melon become the natural prey of a cat? The idiot.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • Getting to 13 even without your tail is a fair achievement. We also respect the nomadic lifestyle that’s led him to a variety of homes. Oh and being forced to clean chimneys is a true tale of hardship.

Summary: 64%

It would seem that Ollie has only been let down by his lack of a tail. We must be perpetrating some sort of body fascism. It is a good score and one deserved by a distinguished and interesting cat.

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