MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Apr
9thNew Contender: Dibble

Name: Dibble (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 3/10
   • Dibble isn’t allowed out on his own. We doubt he’s allowed out if accompanied by an adult either. You would assume that this isn’t agility related but it is. He isn’t allowed out because if he does manage to get over the fence he gets stuck. Getting over fences is the very bread and butter of being a cat.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • As he’s not allowed out he is an extremely healthy cat, or so we assume. He does live on a diet of chicken, we are extremely jealous of his dinner.
3. Home invasion – 0/10
   • Dibble has moved house three times. Although this means he has got to see the inside of a fair few houses he has not achieved this through pleading or guile. We hope that one day Dibble might be able to throw off his incarceration and run free. We might go round and create a diversion; if we started a fight on the doorstep he could leg it whilst the screws are looking the other way.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • Apparently he has a beautiful singing voice. We like this. More cats should sing. Though only between 10 in the morning and 7 in the evening. Anything outside those core hours would just be irritating.
5. Fighting Ability – 2/10
   • Interestingly Dibble has adopted two kittens. An unusual development for a single male cat. We imagine this is symbolic of the decline of moral standards and broken Britain. You probably think this has nothing to do with Dibble’s killer instinct. You’d be wrong, it has everything to do with it.  Apparently these two kittens bully him for his dinner. Pathetic. Nothing should be bullied by a kitten. Well maybe a moth or a wood louse but nothing else.
6. Overall cuteness – 9/10
   • We think Dibble is one of cutest cats we’ve come across. We particularly liked the way he seemed to be watching us as we wrote the first paragraph.
7. Friendliness – 5/10
   • This is a little difficult to gauge as he has little contact with the outside world. We’ve given him 5 because there is something in his eyes that tells us he’s quite friendly.
8. Dignity – 7/10
   • Saying Dibble has no dignity would be like saying Nelson Mandela had no dignity. We understand that Dibble played a relatively minor role in the overthrow of apartheid but it seems he has come to a similar end. That would be similar in that he has also been locked up rather than they have both been president of South Africa.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • Dibble’s best friend is a stuffed purple mouse. This is wrong on so may levels. Mice aren’t purple. Mice are no friends of cats. It’s like Tom and Jerry taught us nothing.
10. Remaining lives – 9/10
    • Given his pampered lifestyle we doubt Dibble has any concept of the meaning of the word fear. Unless you count the fear of being bullied by a kitten.

Summary: 53%

We can’t lie. This is a well below average score. We don’t attribute blame to Dibble. He just needs to be toughened up a bit so he take his rightful place in the world of cats.

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