MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Jul
6thNew Contender: Spencer

Name: Spencer (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • We think it is fair  to say that there is both good agility and bad agility. On the one hand lurking on the top of a door to drop on a stranger, much like Cato, is good agility. Jumping from a second story window is bad agility.  Potentially amusing, but all the same bad. We’re happy to award points but are concerned that this could just be seen as condoning actions that will end in tears.
2. Health & Vitality – 2/10
   • Listing Spencer’s previous ailments is a bit like an episode of ER, early ER before  all those new people came into it. Our favourite incident is when he was taken to the vet after developing “kitten asthma”. Now there isn’t anything funny about a kitten with asthma, but apparently it made him whistle, a bit like Roger Whittaker, but possibly smaller and cuter. Unfortunately as a result of this he has an inhaler and doesn’t have to play football. We’ve already mentioned that he jumps out of windows, you can imagine how that worked out (nor very well). He has an eating disorder and as a result has  had to have a catheter. We imagine it was the bravest vet in the world that made that diagnosis. We have awarded a few points because  he has his teeth surgically cleaned, though we’re not clear what that really means. It’s probably quite expensive.
3. Home invasion – 4/10
   • It’s not fair on Spencer, but as he’s not allowed out he’s not going to do very well on home invasion. We’ve given him some extra points because we know he’s tried to make a break for it. Jumping out of windows isn’t working but we reckon he should try a tunnel next. Nobody ever expects a tunnel. We do know that once he did manage to get into a neighbours house and stole 2 dinners and a loaf of bread.  We assume that this is an ironic feline take on Beck’s, Where It’s At.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • We like to think cats meow because they’re trying to tell us something. We’re not wrong they’re trying to tell us that they’re hungry. This is what it always mean. We know that sometimes  you might think they’re telling you about their day or sparrow they saw earlier. It’s not true, they want dinner. Spencer has taken this to its most simplistic, and beautiful form. He knows to meow on the dot of 6:00am until 7:30am because he thinks this is when he should be fed. Obviously this is mind numbingly early but fair play to him, he’s a cat.
5. Fighting Ability – 3/10
   • This is a category that  is difficult to assess. We know he kills wasps (good)  but we also know he isn’t allowed out. We understand that he can be a nasty little sod if you try and take his food off him. We’re not quite clear why you would want to take his  food off him. Cat food isn’t that nice before they get a chance to spit on it. Afterwards it only gets worse. You might as well let them keep it, it’s not like you’re going to eat it yourself.
6. Overall cuteness – 7/10
   • We like him. He’s got a nice  face and a cheeky little bell which means he can’t sneak up on……. the things inside the house. Nice big eyes as  well.
7. Friendliness – 6/10
   • We’re told  Spencer is friendly but worry this might be more symptomatic of his deep seated interest in our pot noodle rather than a wish to reach out across species. He’s a follower which can be good, initially. Though he is inclined  to sit and watch you in the bath. That’s a bit creepy.
8. Dignity – 3/10
   • We’ve more than laboured the point that Spencer isn’t allowed out. This isn’t strictly true. He is allowed out but only on a lead. In many ways it is probably best that he doesn’t go out now. If he does he is likely  to get his little head kicked in by any or the other cats that have seen him. In terms of dignity you might as well get to him to wear a hat, with a picture of a flower on it.
9. Intelligence – 6/10
   • Spencer can open doors. Doors with handles on. That’s pretty clever, they were invented for people with thumbs. It’s difficult to ignore the jumping out of windows thing. Not clever.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • He was abandoned, he was left  for dead, he’s got asthma, he’s got an eating disorder, he’s had a  catheter (more than once) and obviously done substantial base jumping damage. This cat shouldn’t be alive. He’s cheated  the very essence of life.

Summary: 54%

Spencer is certainly one of the more intriguing cats we’ve come across. If he wasn’t a bit mental then he’d probably have got a much better score. Whether we should be punishing him for what are purely environmental factors is a philosophical debate we probably won’t bother to have.  We’ve been interested to meet him and hear his, frankly, bewildering story.

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