MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Sep
27thNew Contender: Arwen

Name: Arwen (Identity confirmed)

You will probably remember that it took us over four months to review our last cat, Barry, well this one has taken even longer. Arwen was submitted in April of this year but we have delayed the review in order to avoid potential accusation of contempt of court due to Arwen’s ownership.

As you can see we’ve mucked that up by actually doing the review at the single most inopportune time (press coverage reminded us it was still on the to do pile). So, help us navigate the choppy legal minefield of cat reviews.

1. Agility – 2/10
   • We are familiar with embellishment but the claim that Arwen can leap to the top of a conservatory are beyond credulity. Obviously with the statutory limit of a lean-to conservatory being four meters you’re talking about a fairly tasty leap. We don’t believe Arwen can leap four meters. There is an equally outlandish claim that Arwen can sleep on a two inch wide fence. A two inch wide fence? What sort of building regulations are these people working to?
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • Arwen once had a litter of kittens, we like this. As far as we can remember this is the first time that we’ve ever reviewed a cat that has realised the full potential of motherhood. She had a litter at 6 months which is a little young (probably, we know very little about how cats work) but we make no judgements on this. She also once had cat flu, it has been proven that there is nothing more cute than a cat sneezing, except when they follow through with their dinner.
3. Home invasion – – /10
   • No really, where the hell are we supposed to go with home invasion and cats? This is ridiculous. The sheer volume of startlingly amusing and potentially illegal puns and quips is mind blowing. For the sake of good taste and poor little Beauty we’ll leave this one.
4. Meow – 4/10
   • She meows when she’s hungry, in fact we’re not convinced it is even a proper meow, more of a mew. That sounds a little bit superior, dismissive even.
5. Fighting Ability – 10/10
   • This is probably the single most worrying sumission that we’ve ever had in this category. We will let you judge what it might mean, “If we don’t respond quickly she kills her own …” Own what? Kittens? Dinner? A cat that kills its own kittens is about the most ruthless thing that we can imagine. This is qualified by the information that Arwen once killed a squirrel and her owners have kept part of the tail. It must be a little bit like the last days of the Congo in Arwen’s house.
6. Overall cuteness – 2/10
   • Unfortunately we can’t look at Arwen without the mental image of the blood of her own kittens dripping from her mouth. Not the cutest image in the world.
7. Friendliness – 7/10
   • Apparently Arwen is well regarded in the neighbourhood and isn’t adverse to popping into other peoples houses whether they’re in or not. Ok…..
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • Is known to perch on a wall. There is something dignified about a cat on a wall. Also coughs up fur balls. It is a problem that is largely peculiar to cats but spending most of your life like Princess Diana after a big pie is not that dignified.
9. Intelligence – 2/10
   • The only information we have on Arwen’s intelligence is the somewhat bolshy question, “Can you catch a squirrel?” Well, in answer to your question, yes we reckon we could, they’re not that clever, though how is it relevant? Can Arwen make a cup of tea? We doubt it so we’ve penalised her.
10. Remaining lives – 8/10
    • Arwen survived cat flu, has had kittens and performed unimaginable horrors on them. This cat has lived a life that would make most people weep.

Summary: 53%

Arwen doesn’t lose out because of the lack of a home invasion score, oh no, we calculated the percentage using a base of 90 rather than 100. We used a calculator to do this, it might be wrong as we’re not very good at percentages. Arwen appears to be a cat of extremes, she was also in the Daily Mail once, none of our other cats can claim that.

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