MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Nov
29thNew Contender: Hobbes

Name: Hobbes (Identity confirmed)

Every now and then a cat comes along that touches the lives of everyone that it meets. A cat that makes you spontaneously clap your hands with glee. This is just such a cat.

1. Agility – 9/10
   • We won’t beat about the bush here, look at the picture, he’s on the bloody roof. How did he get up there? We don’t know, people can’t get onto that roof, it’s like he has done the impossible. What we do know is that Hobbes just fancied a bit of a sleep, ON THE ROOF. This is just one example of how Hobbes rolls. You might be wondering why he only got nine points, well we did observe Hobbes fall off the top of a car once. This isn’t very cat like behaviour. Though we should add that it was a car he was trying to steal at the time.
2. Health & Vitality – 7/10
   • We know nothing about his medical history and he always appears fairly healthy. He’s got a shiny coat and a glint in his eye which is surely a good sign. We know, for a fact, that any mischievous twinkle is surely yet another madcap caper hatching in this most extra ordinairy of cats.
3. Home invasion – 15/10
   • Normal rules don’t apply. We’ve had to push the envelope and call on every cliche we can think of. Let me tell you a story about Hobbes, one day I woke up and found Hobbes sitting next to my bed staring at me. HOBBES IS NOT MY CAT, he doesn’t even have a key. A thorough investigation provided no clue as to how he got in or how long he had been there. This was a new development as usually Hobbes would knock on the front door if he wanted to come in. Since the bedroom incident he likes to break in and have a bit of look round quite regularly. As mentioned before he also tried to steal a car once. Not the whole thing, what would he do with it? No, he took a fancy to the windscreen wiper and pulled it off, it resulted in him falling flat on his arse but he had a go, and that’s the important thing.
4. Meow – 8/10
   • Absolutely nothing wrong with his meow. If knocking on the door doesn’t work he’ll sit and meow until someone opens the door. Not of his own house, oh no, he works his way down every house in the street.
5. Fighting Ability – 1/10
   • We’re disappointed to say this but quite frankly Hobbes is rubbish in a fight. We’ve regularly seen him getting beaten up by other cats. We imagine that breaking into their houses and stealing their dinner hasn’t helped this situation.
6. Overall cuteness – 6/10
   • He’s quite cute, better than average but we don’t want to overboard. This isn’t some sort of Hobbes fan site.
7. Friendliness – 8/10
   • Can a cat be too friendly? No, what a stupid question (though we have vague recollection that we might have marked cats down previously for this before) Hobbes shows definite warmth and compassion when he meets you in the street. He really cares about your day and will drop everything to hear about it. Once you meet Hobbes you can be certain that you finally know what true friendship means.
8. Dignity – 7/10
   • Sitting on a roof that nobody else can reach? That’s dignity.
9. Intelligence – 3/10
   • Getting into seemingly inpenitrable houses clearly shows some intelligence but if you’re doing to just steal food off other cats that will then give you a right kicking…. that’s not clever. We still don’t know what he was going to do with that windscreen wiper.
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Although we know so much, we still know so little. We can’t imagine that a cat with this level of confidence hasn’t brushed death but we have no evidence of it either.

Summary: 79%

That’s a giant score (even though we acknowledge that we have messed with the criteria). He isn’t just better than all other cats that we’ve come across previously, he has redefined the very principle of assessing the quality of cats. Henceforth Hobbes shall be the basis by which all cats are judged.

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