MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Jan
23rdNew Contender: Towser

Name: Towser (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility – 8/10
   • Agility is the very bread and butter of being a cat and we think Towser has more than enough to make a sandwich, to pointlessly extend a metaphor. His owner has sadly undersold Towser’s ability at agility, but we can see lashings of potential. Towser is adept at running the length of a fence. There are few sights as satisfying in life as a cheeky cat running along the top of fence, his (or her) tail all over the place, will he (or she) fall? We hope not. Towser can also jump in and out of boxes. Many people would discount this sort of activity as some sort of modern cat fad, we don’t, we can’t think of many things that make us chuckle more than a cat leaping into a box (especially if it is too small).
2. Health & Vitality – 6/10
   • We know he’s healthy, we can see he is quite shiny. These are all good things, but we also know he is prone to bringing his dinner back. This isn’t an act of selfless devotion to his owner. It’s unthinking greediness or an underlying bowel condition. We’re going to be coming down hard on this in the coming year.
3. Home invasion – 2/10
   • There doesn’t seem to be anything to substantiate any latent invasion ability. He once threw up on a neightbours doorstep, whilst amusing this is a rubbish example of breaking in. Invasion is about stealth and subtelty, projecting your dinner on the boundary has nothing to do with either of these things.
4. Meow – 4/10
   • Unfortunately Towser is weak with the meow. He can muster basic communication when he is hungry but little more than that. It’s those cats that have a story to tell that do well in this section and cat based hunger is not a compelling tale. We’ve given him a few points because he does squeak out a little greeting when he sees you, manners should always be rewarded.
5. Fighting Ability – 7/10
   • As a kitten he took on four bigger cats and battered them all, at once. We weren’t there but we imagine it was like Mortal Kombat but with more contenders and all of those contenders were cats, in fact very little of it bears any similarity to Mortal Kombat.
6. Overall cuteness – 10/10
   • Don’t look at the picture too long. What? You didn’t listen? You know what that sound is don’t you? Yes, it’s your heart melting.
7. Friendliness – 8/10
   • Towser hangs around outside school gates and lets children tickle him for cash. Whilst this might be seen as some sort of feline Glitterism we think his intentions are entirely benign. If Michael Jackson taught us anything it is that spreading the love with the children of the world will bring peace and harmony and an end to war. Towser in his own small way is bringing an end to war.
8. Dignity – 6/10
   • We know that Towser lets anyone tickle him and that has to harm his diginity. We also know that he can shake his head from side to side much like he is saying NO. Does he understand our mannerisms? Does he have a mind of his own? Being able to know what you don’t want is a key element of self determination. Whilst it will take millions of year of evolution for cats to have free will, maybe Towser is one of the first steps on that very long road.
9. Intelligence – 7/10
   • Now here’s a quirky thing, Towser has a penchant for escapology. This is a skill that is largely underatted in human society after Noel Edmonds ruined it for everyone else. We understand that as a compliment to his skill at jumping into boxes he can also escape from them. This brings to mind our favourite physicist Mr Erwin Shrodinger. His thought experiment that posited that a cat could exist within a box being both alive and dead simultaneously was bound to interest us. Though we would take Shrodinger to task on the wisdom of trapping cats in boxes with radioactive isotopes we appreciate that it was only a theoretical experiment and it did quite alot to prove how useful cats are. The correlation with Towser is that once he gets in a box he can poke his head out and look quite cute. Therefore Towser is cleverer than Shrodinger as he is in no confusion about his current state. As an interesting aside Noel Edmonds now makes a living our of whoring boxes, let’s hope he doesn’t break those too.
10. Remaining lives – 7/10
    • Once Towser vanished for three days. On his return he was soaked and had tiny cuts around his mouth like he had eaten his way out of danger. Do you remember that episode of Batman where he was stuck in a box that was slowly filling with water? Yeah, that happened to Towser (we think)

Summary: 65%

A very good score for Towser there. It’s not just based on looks, he has some solid life experience and we have gone a little giddy with our first cat of the New Year.

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