MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Jul
18thNew Contender: Bollo

Name: Bollo (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility -5/10
   • Apparently Bollo can fit through the smallest gap. We would hazard a guess that Bollo is not one of those microscopic cats made by the Japanese. In fact we’re not entirely sure the Japanese make microscopic cats, why would they? You’d lose them all the time, or tread on them which would be horrific. Like furry ants. Anyway, such claims are pure hyperbole.
2. Health & Vitality – 4/10
   • Bollo likes to purge. She eats birds until they make her throw up. A more enlightened website would probably recognise this as a tricky psychological disorder that should be treated sensitively. We’re not that web site. Pull yourself together Bollo you’re no Princess Diana (though we do think your hair is lovely).
3. Home invasion – 6/10
   • Bollo goes out and then Bollo comes home. Nobody knows where she’s been in between. We like to think she is leading a double life in somebody else’s house. It would be great if someone else submitted her as their own cat. We doubt that will happen.
4. Meow – 7/10
   • If reports of her meow are true then there should be very few people in Birmingham that haven’t heard her. Even if such reports are exaggerated we’ll give her a decent score for being one of the few cats we’ve come across recently that makes the effort.
5. Fighting Ability – 9/10
   • Whilst we recognise that she kills in order to maintain her perilous psychological condition, at the end of the day she is still a hunter of note. Moths, mice, birds and frogs all seem to be on the list. Other than eating other cats we don’t think there is much more she can do. Bollo’s owners keep a bird recognition chart just so they can identify what she’s killed. Very good indeed.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • We don’t think Bollo looks that cute. Too thin. Sorry, we just say it the way we see it.
7. Friendliness – 8/10
   • Although she is a bit shy she does like being tickled. Any cat that likes being tickled is a good cat. There is nothing wrong with being shy most people are evil so it’s probably a good attitude to have.
8. Dignity – 4/10
   • Bollo frequently needs someone to put her ear back in place after it gets bent back. This is cat equivalent of looking like some sort of bumpkin. We imagine she would be happy chewing a long bit of straw. She is known to have iron filings stuck to her collar. There is little dignity in ferrous metals. Not in the twenty first century there isn’t.
9. Intelligence – 4/10
   • We’ve seen little evidence of Bollo’s intelligence. Now we’re always pleased to help in a cat’s personal development so we set this challenge. If Bollo can learn to pick individual birds from her identification chart and kill them to order then we’ll up the score. She’ll be like some sort of cat assassin.
10. Remaining lives – 5/10
    • Again a lack of evidence means we won’t commit ourselves one way or the other. Five points should be more than enough to be going on with.

Summary: 57%

We can’t help feeling that we’ve been a bit harsh with Bollo. Though this is a serious business and we can’t just throw points at cats without due consideration. We’ve given some tips for where improvement could be made and we hope that she takes this in the spirit it is meant.

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