MeowseleyTurning Cats into Facts

Oct
16thNew Contender: Felix

Name: Felix (Identity confirmed)

1. Agility -3/10
   • Bandy legs and a limp. Not exactly characteristics you’d expect in an agile cat. You wouldn’t be disappointed either as Felix isn’t very agile.
2. Health & Vitality – 4/10
   • As stated previously he has a bit of a mobility problem but as he’s getting on a bit this is to be expected. As you can see from his picture he also seems to be slightly out of phase with our reality. This has clearly led to some blurring round his edges. On the other hand he is fat, in some cultures excess weight is seen as a sign of prosperity and vitality. This is not one of those cultures so he’s getting a nice round four points.
3. Home invasion – 8/10
   • Felix is an old skool cat of the highest calibre. He enters where he’s not wanted; he eats your dinner and then pisses on your table. These young cats or “kittens” as they like to be known have been pampered with their sachets of cat food and reflective collars. In the old days if a cat wanted a tasty fish then the only way to get it was to steal it from a fishmonger. We’ve seen the cartoons.
4. Meow – 6/10
   • It has been reported to us that Felix doesn’t meow but he does do a bit of caterwauling. As this is likely to be one of the only opportunities that we ever get to use that word in its correct context we’ve rewarded Felix with a few extra points. 
5. Fighting Ability – 5/10
   • Nobody has seen Felix fight but as walks down the road you can hear “cat flaps flap as cats belt back inside to safety”. We have no idea whether this is true or not but there is something vaguely poetic about that last bit and it was too good to leave out. The notion that other cats are fleeing Felix on the basis of their threatened personal safety is obviously subjective in itself. It is all too possible that they just don’t like him or he is simply tedious company.
6. Overall cuteness – 4/10
   • We respect the fact that he is trying to appear in soft focus, this might have worked in Star Trek back in the ’60s but today’s media savvy generation can see it for the sham it obviously is. Whilst we don’t want to be accused of pandering to the transience of youth it is a fact that young cats are cuter. You can’t dispute this, it’s one of those facts like Angelina Jolie or rain.
7. Friendliness – 3/10
   • We have been told that Felix is by no means the friendliest of cats. In the submission we received, via electronic mail it clearly states “he’s certainly not scared of you”. This has caused us some concern. We can’t understand why on earth Felix would be scared of us, we would like to make it clear, we have not threatened him in any way and certainly don’t mean him any harm. We hope that this is just some crazy misunderstanding and together we can work through it.
8. Dignity – 8/10
   • Felix is famous for refusing to move even when confronted by a car. This demonstrates a fantastic level of dignity bordering on the stupid.
9. Intelligence – 5/10
   • Felix is famous for refusing to move even when confronted by a car. This is a battle that Felix will never win and is consequently not very clever. We accept the claim that he does demonstrate great guile and cunning but they count for very little once you’ve been squashed by a van.
10. Remaining lives – 9/10
    • Felix is an old cat. A very old cat. We think that his contempt for the basic principles of the Highway Code mean that he has stared death in the face more than once (and presumably refused to move).

Summary: 55%

We’ve been waiting to hear about Felix for quite a while now. In the great scheme of things he hasn’t achieved the greatest score but we have to say he is one of the most interesting cats we’ve seen so far.

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